Who didn't see Doogie Howser coming
Neil Patrick Harris. Michelle Rodriguez. Kristanna Loken. Lance from NSYNC. T.R. Knight of Grey's Annatomy. A slew of stars coming publicly out in the last year. No, make that last 3 months. Is our cultural climate finally warming up to the more rainbowed tinted population?
I've been thinking a lot lately about outness..... mostly because I am now out to all my close friends and can barely look at them without wondering if they are thinking about the fact that I'm bisexual and like girls. It makes me want to crawl out of my skin in a way. I get panicked, flustered. You know, the kind of flustered where your stomach starts to sweat and your face gets hot? And I'm sure they're all talking about it every time I'm not around. Which is unsettling as well, but what did I expect? The girl whos hooked up with more boys than most of the rest of them combined suddenly cries "I think I like girls!" It's a little un-called for.
But they're also extremely great about it, which was an unexpected surprise, and I'm glad I waited as long as I did to tell them, because they know me well enough now to not make as many harsh judgements as they might of made last year had I told them then. That was a mouthful. Today I made reference to shedding my blonde hair and starting over and a friend pipes up with "You're finally being who you really are!" Yes, sweetie, I'm out, but that doesn't mean I want to make everything I do about it. It was def. a stomach sweat moment. See, I can't handle it. I can't handle this at all, and I want to take back everything I said, but taking back my words still wouldn't change the fact that I still feel the way I do.
And then I think about philosophers and "the universal" which basically is a law that states: what's good for one must be good for all. Why are we supposed to do good things? Because if we all stole, lied and cheated, the world wouldn't survive through the chaos. Or so one would imagine. So, I applied the universal to homosexuality, what if everyone decided to be homosexual? Medical advancements aside, this would be the end of civilization. Sure, everyone would be having great sex but without procreation, humanity would perish and the animals could take back the earth. Actually, that doesn't sound completely unfair, depending which perspective you have. But none the less, homosexuality IS unproductive. I hate to say it that way, or come off that way, but there is a reason everyone isn't homosexual. Obviously. Homosexuality would end civilization. So here's where I take back my liberal podium and proclaim that not everyone IS homosexual, so that particular arguement is pointless. Furthermore, no one *choses* to be homosexual. People may chose to act in homosexual manners, homosexually experiment, but inately, less than 10 percent of the population is in fact gay.
Now let's bring God into the matter. If God has a big plan, it could be imagined that he knew what he was doing when he made one in ten people gay, because with 90 percent of the population still running around and popping out children, the human race would safeley continue on. Here is where the Christian rite screams that homosexuality is WRONG and EVIL and worthy of an eternity in hell. So answer me this: if God created everything on this earth, every plant, animal, human, what have you... if God made you who you are, gave you love, kindness, humbleness, vanity, pride, any emotion or characteristic to make a human real and imperfect, how could He have not given humans their sexual orientation as well? Where does homosexuality come from if not from the hand of God himself?
Tday I read Sarte's essay on existentialism, which went into full detail about how man has NO nature, no natural instincts. Existence before essence. Man is what he choses to be, man choses the life he wants to live. Does that mean I'm chosing to be bisexual? And Sarte was also kind enough to imply that by doing something, you are doing it for the good of people everywhere. I'm not liking girls for the greater good, here. As I said before, if everyone went gay...
I was so much more down with the idea of gayness until I realized I had gay inclinations. It didn't bother me before, it didn't strike me as wrong, or weird, or uncomfortable. But now that I'm facing my own feelings, I'm really struggling with the merits of it. You've got society breathing down your neck at all times, you've got religion telling you you'll be spending forever and a day in a firey pit being torn apart limb by limb. You've got the media sensationalizing while also stereo-typing what it is to be gay, so no one really understands it at all. There's your family ("Oh God, where did I go wrong as a parent??"), you've got your friends, ("So wait, do you like, think about girls when you're having a, you know... moment?") and every homophobic person in this country who has never met you, but hates you anyway. And this is all before you may even meet another orientation appropriate person you could be interested in, and the odds of that are even stacked against you considering the old 1 in 10 rule, and let's face it, 1 in 10 is extremely optomistic. And if you're picky as I am, and only prefer girls who look straight (and pretty), your chances are even worse.
Lets do the gay math here:
Generally speaking, 50 percent of the population is female. 1/2
10 percent are into girls. 1/20
And most likely, only 10 percent (or less) fit your asthetic standards. 1/200.
Encouraging. Although, to be fair, I am bisexual, and far less picky with boys. So my odds of meeting someone I'd be interested are probably more like 1/40. But that's not going to help me get this bisexual itch out of my system. To anyone reading, homosexuality is not a choice, I'd chose to not wake up every night with panic attacks, I'd chose to not get somewhat nervous when the gorgeous store clerk asks if I need assitence, I'd chose to not spend each day of my life fearing that my parents will find out my little secret and pull my tuition money. I'd chose to be straight, damnit.
I'd chose to be safe.