Who didn't see Doogie Howser coming

Neil Patrick Harris. Michelle Rodriguez. Kristanna Loken. Lance from NSYNC. T.R. Knight of Grey's Annatomy. A slew of stars coming publicly out in the last year. No, make that last 3 months. Is our cultural climate finally warming up to the more rainbowed tinted population?

I've been thinking a lot lately about outness..... mostly because I am now out to all my close friends and can barely look at them without wondering if they are thinking about the fact that I'm bisexual and like girls. It makes me want to crawl out of my skin in a way. I get panicked, flustered. You know, the kind of flustered where your stomach starts to sweat and your face gets hot? And I'm sure they're all talking about it every time I'm not around. Which is unsettling as well, but what did I expect? The girl whos hooked up with more boys than most of the rest of them combined suddenly cries "I think I like girls!" It's a little un-called for.

But they're also extremely great about it, which was an unexpected surprise, and I'm glad I waited as long as I did to tell them, because they know me well enough now to not make as many harsh judgements as they might of made last year had I told them then. That was a mouthful. Today I made reference to shedding my blonde hair and starting over and a friend pipes up with "You're finally being who you really are!" Yes, sweetie, I'm out, but that doesn't mean I want to make everything I do about it. It was def. a stomach sweat moment. See, I can't handle it. I can't handle this at all, and I want to take back everything I said, but taking back my words still wouldn't change the fact that I still feel the way I do.

And then I think about philosophers and "the universal" which basically is a law that states: what's good for one must be good for all. Why are we supposed to do good things? Because if we all stole, lied and cheated, the world wouldn't survive through the chaos. Or so one would imagine. So, I applied the universal to homosexuality, what if everyone decided to be homosexual? Medical advancements aside, this would be the end of civilization. Sure, everyone would be having great sex but without procreation, humanity would perish and the animals could take back the earth. Actually, that doesn't sound completely unfair, depending which perspective you have. But none the less, homosexuality IS unproductive. I hate to say it that way, or come off that way, but there is a reason everyone isn't homosexual. Obviously. Homosexuality would end civilization. So here's where I take back my liberal podium and proclaim that not everyone IS homosexual, so that particular arguement is pointless. Furthermore, no one *choses* to be homosexual. People may chose to act in homosexual manners, homosexually experiment, but inately, less than 10 percent of the population is in fact gay.

Now let's bring God into the matter. If God has a big plan, it could be imagined that he knew what he was doing when he made one in ten people gay, because with 90 percent of the population still running around and popping out children, the human race would safeley continue on. Here is where the Christian rite screams that homosexuality is WRONG and EVIL and worthy of an eternity in hell. So answer me this: if God created everything on this earth, every plant, animal, human, what have you... if God made you who you are, gave you love, kindness, humbleness, vanity, pride, any emotion or characteristic to make a human real and imperfect, how could He have not given humans their sexual orientation as well? Where does homosexuality come from if not from the hand of God himself?

Tday I read Sarte's essay on existentialism, which went into full detail about how man has NO nature, no natural instincts. Existence before essence. Man is what he choses to be, man choses the life he wants to live. Does that mean I'm chosing to be bisexual? And Sarte was also kind enough to imply that by doing something, you are doing it for the good of people everywhere. I'm not liking girls for the greater good, here. As I said before, if everyone went gay...

I was so much more down with the idea of gayness until I realized I had gay inclinations. It didn't bother me before, it didn't strike me as wrong, or weird, or uncomfortable. But now that I'm facing my own feelings, I'm really struggling with the merits of it. You've got society breathing down your neck at all times, you've got religion telling you you'll be spending forever and a day in a firey pit being torn apart limb by limb. You've got the media sensationalizing while also stereo-typing what it is to be gay, so no one really understands it at all. There's your family ("Oh God, where did I go wrong as a parent??"), you've got your friends, ("So wait, do you like, think about girls when you're having a, you know... moment?") and every homophobic person in this country who has never met you, but hates you anyway. And this is all before you may even meet another orientation appropriate person you could be interested in, and the odds of that are even stacked against you considering the old 1 in 10 rule, and let's face it, 1 in 10 is extremely optomistic. And if you're picky as I am, and only prefer girls who look straight (and pretty), your chances are even worse.

Lets do the gay math here:
Generally speaking, 50 percent of the population is female. 1/2
10 percent are into girls. 1/20
And most likely, only 10 percent (or less) fit your asthetic standards. 1/200.

Encouraging. Although, to be fair, I am bisexual, and far less picky with boys. So my odds of meeting someone I'd be interested are probably more like 1/40. But that's not going to help me get this bisexual itch out of my system. To anyone reading, homosexuality is not a choice, I'd chose to not wake up every night with panic attacks, I'd chose to not get somewhat nervous when the gorgeous store clerk asks if I need assitence, I'd chose to not spend each day of my life fearing that my parents will find out my little secret and pull my tuition money. I'd chose to be straight, damnit.

I'd chose to be safe.

My Friends Refuse To Believe Tatum Channing is Bisexual

So, I started his blog in honor of my generations sexual ambiguity phenomenom. This isn't myspace material, folks. This isn't livejournal fodder. This is non-traditional, non-explainable commentary and questioning.

My blog title reflects the fact that these days, no one reallys know the status of anybody. We are all ambigious Burberry... draped around eachother's necks, attempting to appear as genuine as possible while we hide the truth inside. Not only in terms of sexuality, but in terms of who we inately are. Tell me why we all spend our entire lives struggling to become someone or something else? Nothing is ever good enough, and we end up fraying at the ends and unraveling at the seams during the worst possible moment.

This is my personal collection of the large and small deceptions I witness, (and practice) every day. I loathe stereo-types. The flamboyant gay man, the butch lesbian. People create these stereo-types out of fear, they think if they know what a gay person looks and acts like, they'll never have suspect their family and friends of being gay because they know how all gay people look and act, understand? I am not a fan of labels. I believe that we all are entitled to want who we want. And a large portion of the media seems to agree. From Brokeback Mountain to the L Word, "alternative lifestyles" are everywhere, and as the years progress, the world seems to have less and less of problem with it. I firmly believe that by the time I am 30, gay mairrage will be legal, and by the time I'm 50, our current law-makers and anti-gay leaders will be considered hateful and backwards, in much the way we think of the advocates of segregation in the 1950s. Furthermore, I loathe stereo-types. The flamboyant gay man, the butch lesbian. People create these stereo-types out of fear, they think if they know what a gay person looks and acts like, they'll never have suspect their family and friends of being gay because they know how all gay people look and act, correct?

However, we still have a long way to go. I'm here to document the tiny changes, incidents and details of how we all operate in this new bi-friendly environment. Our parents don't understand that it is now common place for girls to make out with eachother at parties, or boys to bring their boyfriends to family functions. The channel is widening, the sky is opening, are you ready for what's to come?

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So, what am I? Who the hell knows.The only certain things are this: 1) I am attracted to boys. and 2) I am attracted to girls, and I'm beginning to realize that me being bisexual is not a bad thing, just extremely unfortunate. Not unfortunate because I might go to hell, or my parents would have an anuerism, or every Christian Coalition captain on this planet would just assume hang me as look at me.. no no. But lately I haven't been able to find any (out) un-straight girls I would ever invision myself hooking up with. Of course I'm a horrible closet-case as well, I really have no room to talk. There needs to be a code, a secret hand-shake or facial gesture. A secret society of fem. girls who are bored with their jockhead boyfriends and curious about the other side... it's not about being vain or shallow, it's about style. I need someone my style, don't you?

Maybe I've just been spoiled. My friends are extremely gorgeous. Hollister working, Ugg buying party girls... I just assumed gay girls could be the same.... I am. I spend most time with boys, however, just due to convenience. I'm sure there's a whole other world out there I have yet to find.

I never get blatantly checked out by girls because I'm straight looking/acting. Point in case: When I came out to some of my friends as maybe possibly bisexual I was essentially told, "No, you aren't. Not really. You're just confused." So ever since then I've been sort of agreeing with them behavior-wise, however inside I've been wishing that hot sorority girl in the corner would get wasted and hook-up with me in her boyfriends dorm room while her boyfriend passes out in the hall-way, only to wake up in a puddle of beer and pizza the next morning as I non-chalantly stroll by, "accidently" stepping on him. I mean... Collin Farrel what?

We're all going to be who we are going to be.

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So no one is probably even reading this, but all my gayish rants go in here from now on. I hope this does get read once in a while, just to know that my thoughts are being thrown into space and caught by someone. Hopefully that someone is not a biggot, or homophobe. But as you read this with whatever is going through your mind remember one thing: I may be your daughter, your co-worker, neice, classmate, sorority sister, team leader, dance captain, french tutor, your best friend... I could be anybody. And I am.

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Please send me your thoughts, experiences and observations. Their are so many different perspectives on this new and youthful wave, mine doesn't even matter. It's only powerful if it's collective. It's only heard if it is spoken. So speak up!

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